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Dear Marlboro… I’m suing your a$$!!!

05 Jan

Dear Marlboro,

Just thought I would give you a little heads up about the civil CLASS ACTION suit I am planning on bringing against you. Not only did you falsely advertise yourself but you have now turned me into an alcoholic!

Firstly….. you creep into my life completely unwantedly and falsely advertise in front of me on television and on billboards that I will be this completely sexy womanly person if I smoked your cigarettes. And you have to admit Mr Marlboro Man…. it was false!! What the hell is sexy about a woman who stinks of old nicotine. That smell gets everywhere, in your hair, your clothes, it comes through your darned pores! Not to mention the disgusting smoker breath and I can’t even begin to imagine how kissing an ashtray is meant to be sexy. It’s not like it even tastes good either!

Now if your false advertising wasn’t bad enough and having lured me into stinking worse than the inside of chimney breast…. you never really did warn me effectively about the addictive properties of smoking before you shoved your product between my lips. And we’re not even going to mention the late addition of all the health risks of which I would really like to add a couple!!!

So next thing now… I have your cancer sticks in my mouth on a regular basis when finally you decide to come clean and tell me that it could kill me with your ostentatious labels… well thanks… it’s a bit late for that now isn’t it???!!! Cause now I can’t seem to just put these things down! I’ve had to battle with my will, use all sorts of crutches like patches, microtabs, inhalers, e-cigs and hypnotherapy only to find that you just keep shoving your way back into my life until you nearly kill me and I couldn’t pick you up even if I tried.

What you didn’t tell me though… was that one day you were going to give me a cough so darned bad that I would end up BREAKING MY FLIPPING RIBS and SPRAINING MY RIB CAGE through coughing…… I mean to say…. a SPRAINED RIB CAGE?! I didn’t even know that injury existed! So thanks a whole flipping lot. I need you to add to your health warning this,,,,

“Smoking causes disgusting hacking cough which may cause your ribs to break”

You sure conveniently left that one out didn’t you…. and might I add, that there is NO painkiller under the sun that eradicates this pain and allows you to function like a normal human….. a HIGH human yes… but normal no…. I’ve been told I won’t be right for about 6 months. Here’s the great part…. I still have an infection in my lungs thanks to you and the only way I can get it out is by coughing….. Except for the fact that every time I so much as breathe too deeply I feel like someone has kicked me in the ribs with a steel toe boot!!!!

So not only have you knocked years off of my life span, you have now also robbed me of 6 months of my living years, added to which…. I am now at risk of becoming addicted to either painkillers or alcohol thanks to you. I did notice on New Years Eve that I mysteriously had no pain and danced the night away after a bottle or so of wine and am now completely aware of how my hand automatically reaches for that wine glass night after night when that pain strikes me as I try to perform even the most mundane of tasks such as simply washing my dishes.

I firmly beleive it to be your fault as well that the best years of my life were lost along with the opportunity of a wonderful relationship and famuly life cause I carried your stench everywhere I went but you’ve really done it…. bringing these other addictions to my door…… You’re the worst thing that every happened to me you lying, cheating bastard! I’ll see you in court!

*hiccup*

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