Category Archives: May 2011

Things a woman should have to survive through her Forties!

I came across an article in a newspaper yesterday which made me guffaw. How a decade can change one’s needs!

The article entitled The Things a woman should have by age 30 took me back to my late twenties/early thirties to review whether I had these things or not. Most I had more than others, some I had none of at all! Never mind that though….. It just made me giggle at how your perspective and priorities change as you get older.

So here…. I complied a list of things a woman – particularly a parent – should have in and throughout their 40s!

  1. SEVERAL pairs of comfortable shoes designed for chasing children – style unimportant.
  2. Good life insurance. You don’t need to be worrying about what will happen to the children when the stress drives you to heart attack!
  3. A solid communication with God – he’s probably the only one listening to you anymore.
  4. Monthly visits to the massage therapist.
  5. Clothes that are comfortable, allow free movement and aren’t so expensive that you care when your kids wipe their hands all over you. Must be made of washable, tumble dryer and crinkle free fabric!
  6. Good friends who will be there for you when the man / a man/ any man isn’t.
  7. The little black dress is always a classic but maybe one that’s not so little any more!
  8. A passport for showing your ID at the bank every time you need to pick up a new card because one of the children has snapped it. Oh! And you’ll need it for taking the critters to Disney too!
  9. An umbrella you can find, a suitcase large enough to fit all the paraphernalia you now travel with and a purse that has a security code to make it open.
  10. Time to be interested in a man.
  11. A set of tools and either the ability to use them or failing that, a child trained in using them or a good relationship with the neighbour.
  12. Time to exercise and actually eat.
  13. An email address, phone and bank account that everyone else is PROHIBITED from accessing.
  14. A job that allows you your own sense of identity away from the family – remuneration unimportant – identity more important than money through this phase!
  15. Bras that are still their original colour. Good support and uplift however is a must!
  16. Skin care products that have the words “anti ageing” in VERY small letters on them.
  17. The ability to decide which battles are actually worth fighting.
  18. A hairdresser willing to have you at a minutes notice and a style that’s fabulous but incredibly low maintenance.
  19. A kid’s camp to look forward to (on the kids behalf of course) every year. One week minimum.
  20. A good neighbour you can send the kids by in case you ever have a man/prospective employer to go see in a rush.
  21. A resume with not to many holes in from staying home with the children – do voluntary work once a week if you have to!
  22. Time for friends.
  23. Any kind of sex.
  24. Any kind of loosely matching bra and panty. Nearly same colours will do fine. More importantly, you need a good vacum cleaner.
  25. A car that doesn’t say “I have children” by the mess on the inside of it.
  26. A bottle of gin stashed somewhere no one else knows about.
  27. A cosmetic bag that has not been raided or attacked by small hands.
  28. Enough common sense to spot a “bad idea” from a mile off.
  29. A family member compassionate enough to hide the photos of herself from years gone by so she doesn’t feel old.
  30. A family that care about her enough to have bought her something ridiculously expensive that she would have never bought for herself. Possibly a lock up box for those ridiculously expensive items bought in 30s?
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Posted by on May 30, 2011 in May 2011


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Nature vs Nurture

I’m not sure if my kids are “adventurous” and independent due to my parenting style or because of genetic disposition. That brings on the whole nature vs nurture debate. At the end of the day, when Toddler Child who is wearing a nappy round her waist – and by that I mean she has stepped into one of those pull up diaper things through the leg hole and it’s worn more like a belt – comes into my kitchen and passes me a note – obviously written with the help of middle child – I have no time to debate the root cause of such behaviour. It’s still all my fault!


P.S. No children were harmed in the making of this story. Neither by self harm or otherwise!

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Posted by on May 29, 2011 in May 2011


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It’s ironic being a grown up!

As a child I drove my mother mad. I was messy as hell. I feel most sorry for the sister I shared a room with. Neat freak that she was, I must have been a nightmare to live with. Our room and wardrobe was meticulously divided into two and it was obvious whose side was whose.


On the one hand there were these neat little piles of books, crisply folded clothes put away in drawers. Always a freshly made bed and toys all stacked away neatly. In contrast, I’m sure my side looked like a scene from the nucleus of the Afghanistan war zone. It really was like some kind of bomb went off. Nothing had a place. Never were clothes put away or bed made. It was the bane of my mother’s life. And my sister’s I’m pretty certain. It definitely was the bane of mine.


On and on and on and on they harassed me. Constantly moaning at me to clean up. Now here’s the deal. It all made sense to me. Why make the bed? I’m only getting back in it. As for the clothes…. I was going to wear them. The toys…. Well I was playing with them…. At some point and would again. I knew where everything was and I never lost anything. I didn’t have an issue with the mess. I had a serious issue with their moaning and boy did I procrastinate!


This trend continued through my life and seemed to bother said sister and mother more than it ever bothered me. Even when I had my own place they would come by and moan and moan and moan. My sister I swear has OCD. She could never bear to see it and would come to visit and spend all her time cleaning. I did look forward to her visits sometimes I must admit but I never really got myself organised.


With the acquisition of more and more children though. I did find it became hard to find stuff and operate efficiently. I suppose as well, as one gets older, one also gets a little more – not house proud – but house shamed! You know that old saying about wearing decent underpants in case you get taken to hospital…. Well I found I was a little ashamed when people dropped in unannounced. Sometimes I would have to pretend I wasn’t home. If I knew they were coming I would have a mad blitz stuffing things in cupboards and going mad with the bleach. The kids would hear no end of screaming and deranged orders being thrown at them.


Both my sister and mother keep their homes religiously clean and organised. They never have this problem, so I finally decided to take a leaf out of their books.


With the influx of Toddler Child into my life in particular I found myself developing rather OCD traits myself. Everything has a place, must be clean, beds made before we leave. I have a whole routine before we can even leave the house. It has to be SPOTLESS!!!! Nothing worse than coming back in the evening to having to do housework right? Middle Child hates this! She’s a “mini me”. Or a “mini I was”! Cause Me…. I’m different now. I AM my mother! I’m now driving Middle Child crazy with routines and structures and rules about how the house is to be kept. It’s like an army camp with the cleaning regime.  The arguing and comments she throws at me… it’s like looking into a time warp.

Despite this though, I finally achieved what my family had been pressing me towards. So proud of myself was I. I felt like I had grown up now… effectively keeping house despite cries of resistance from Middle Child. In fact my OCD for cleaning has become so severe that I found myself tidying before I left to go to a wedding. So ingrained is this routine now that I was running late and had the Flower Girls in my ward and there I am….. calmly cleaning my house and folding away clothes into neat little piles. Suddenly something snapped and I thought “What the hell am I doing? This is someone’s wedding and I’m vacuuming the freaking floor?”


This was getting out of control, but you know what…… My family have been striving for me to reach this point for years and now I have. They must be so relieved that I’ve finally accomplished tidy living. I’m keeping this up. I can tick a box in the “Things to Achieve before you die” list. In fact, my mother comes over one day and during a chat in my kitchen, I comment that “I don’t think, I KNOW I HAVE turned into you mother. I keep the house religiously clean and organised but I’m driving the kids mad”.


I expectantly awaited words compassion and understanding about how hard it was for her to manage my resistance as a child and pearls of wisdom about how to handle it…… You know what she said?????



Thanks mom! Needed that like I needed all my teeth extracted.



Photos courtesy Flickr


Posted by on May 28, 2011 in May 2011


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Free Diving in the bathtub is impossible!

But I suppose you knew that already.

I’d had the most hideous night’s sleep. I lie. I’ve had hideous nights for the last two weeks. With Middle Child in my bed unable to get up into her bunk, my experience of night time has gone along these lines….. “Mum….. I can’t get to sleep”, “Mum, my knee hurts”, “Mum, what do you think we’re going to do tomorrow?”

I’m surprised at 3 in the morning she even thinks she’ll live long enough to do something tomorrow. I feel sorry for the kid, I really do. She’s in genuine pain….. but feeling sorry for someone and showing compassion takes energy. After 2 weeks of the best quality sleep being me lying there with arms slapped over my face and MY blanket being ripped off me, I am seriously lacking energy, compassion and kind thoughts of any semblance whatsoever.

There’s so much stuff that requires energy that you take for granted till you have none…. like stringing sentences together, remembering simple things, seeing straight and being able to throw a mental plan together quickly…. or at all for that matter. I realised that this morning as I roused at 5 to go see what Toddler Child wanted. Dragging her back to bed and hoping for at least another two hours rest, I lay down and shut my eyes again….. all was quiet.

And then it was NOT! What the hell were they laughing at? And why was it so loud? And why did I have to be involved? Why do I have to look at everything???? Can’t they look at themselves in the mirrors? I invested in floor to ceiling mirrors a long time ago. I never get a chance to catch a glimpse of myself in them but aren’t kids supposed to magic up imaginary friends or something? Why can’t those kids in the mirror be their friends? Can they not speak to them? Softly? For heavens sake…. at 5 a.m., does it have to be me they talk to? I must remind them about their little friends in the mirror in future…..

I resigned to the fact that it was getting up time by 6:30. Gosh my head hurt. My body ached. I’m not sure  I could even see straight as I tried to scramble some eggs. Never in my life has egg scrambling seemed so difficult. I was doing ok though. There was bacon under the grill. Oh…… but there was a crap load of smoke too! Crikey! It was coming out from everywhere! Jeeeeze Beleeeeeeize! The last thing I needed now was to be setting off the smoke alarm! That automatically sets of the fire alarms for the whole block of apartments. I couldn’t imagine my neighbours being very happy about being awoken and evacuated into the car park at 6:30 in the morning….. No sireee.

I flung the windows open and stood there trying to flap the smoke out of the building rather ineffectively with the closest thing I could find and trust me…. a dripping wet J Cloth doesn’t cut the grain for this task! Sugar Crumbs! Where was the source of this problem?! I’d taken the bacon out. Why the hell is it smoking up still? I peer into the grill and notice that somehow – only me!- two rashers of bacon are stuck to the grill itself. How the hell did they get up there???

Christ that’s hot! Never touch a hot grill with bare fingers either! Or with plastic tongs! They managed to rip the burning, fiery bacon off the grill but not before the bloody tongs caught fire and melted into the base of the grill unit too! Holy Crapolas! More freaking mess to clean.

With kids fed and tummies full I headed for my shower and made a quick U turn as I got in there. Of course I couldn’t shower cause I forgot the drain is blocked. Meant to do that last night! But you know what Momma always said “Don’t put off today what you can do tomorrow!” I filled that plug hole with drain un-blocker there and then. Take that in your plug hole! Off for a bath then.

OMG! What the hell is that smell? Jesus! Don’t tell me someone didn’t flush the toilet again? Where on earth is that coming from? It smells like some kind of sewerage plant in here? I can’t understand! The toilet is clean. Sparkling in fact! I pop my head into the hallway. Is it those rats again? What is that? I can’t even think. This is too much for before 7 in the morning. I fill the bath and pretend none of this stuff happened yet. My head is far too fluffy for this.

Lounging away in my bath, the kids are actually leaving me alone. It’s all warm, and full right up, all deep and enveloping. I reach for my razor and it falls off the side and into the top of the swing bin. I reach for it blindly and OMG! There’s that smell again! I take a quick look – what on earth happened. I don’t even want to know why there is a giant turd in the bin. I provide toilets for that. I can’t take any more. It’s too early. I close my eyes and shut my brain off.

My mind wanders to a life I had before. A life where I plunged into the high seas with my spear gun. Where I would free dive into the depths and feel at one with the seas. I can hold my breath for a pretty long time so I take a deep inhalation and turn over, close my eyes and let my mind drift.  There’s something amazing about free diving. About being underwater. All you can hear are the sounds of the underwater world. Your own exhalation of breath. The fish and marine life come right up to you trying to figure out what on earth you are and why you’re there. So close you can reach out and touch them…… or bust a cap in their A$%.

I’m floating around in my own world in the depths of the ocean. Now there’s an incantation for being able to hold one’s breath for a long time. Basically you relax so much that your heart slows right down. If you do it well, you heart feeds blood only to the brain, the rest of your body just shuts down for a while. This was MY kind of meditation. All that Yoga malarkey doesn’t work for me…. me, I need to be at the bottom of the sea. And there I was, swimming with the dolphins, watching whale shark float by effortlessly. Colourful fish swam in schools being chased by shoals of tuna. I could hear the sounds of the dolphin calling out to each other. Echo something or the other I think they call it. It’s a high-pitched noise. It was getting louder though. Much louder. I looked round in my mind’s eye. Where on earth were they coming from? And why did they sound like words?


Oh God! They were words! The gremlins found me! If I lie here under the water long enough maybe they won’t see me beneath the bubbles. Maybe they’ll go look somewhere else.

Crap no! The dolphins were leaving! The fish were scattering! There was light shining bright into my eyes,, the surface was getting nearer!!! No no! I don’t want to go up yet! Why am I going up? I struggled to remain in the depths but I felt like I was being sucked to the surface. My head broke free of the water and I took a breath and opened my eyes. Toddler child squealed with delight, a clump of my hair entangled in her chubby hands and she was pulling pretty darn hard for such a small creature I tell you!

“Mum? What time is my appointment today?”

WTF? WTF? WTF? THAT’S what they wanted me for? Jesus! So note to self….. When planning to free dive in the bath tub make sure and execute following tasks first!

1. Give children all information they could possibly need before retreating into crazy world of bathtub  free diving.

2. Try to always do it while they are still asleep or out the house.

3. If desperate, insert ear plugs and lock the door.

4. Don’t put a bin in the children’s bathroom!

5. Make sure your shower drain is always unblocked in the event of Rule 4 failure.

See you next week Fishy Friends!


Posted by on May 27, 2011 in May 2011


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It’s important to do your Pelvic Floor Exercises and keep a stock of super large diapers!

So recently after work a friend/colleague and I decided to have a drink after work. I haven’t had a drink since early 2009. I haven’t had a night out without my kids since then either. I was really nervous about a hen night I had to attend the following evening. A mixture of nervousness about leaving Toddler Child for the first time ever combined with whether I still had it in me to be an adult. Could I even hold a conversation that didn’t include talking about Elmo, Teletubbies or Iggle Piggle? I had no idea. So Friend and I decided a nice evening drink to “warm up” and get me in the mood would be a great idea.

Let me paint the picture here for you. Summer had started and we were already well into warm summer evenings. We’d had a hard week, so eager we were to get out of that prison they call work. Into the car we got and decided…. you know what, let’s crack a bottle of vino open. At first we were just going to get my kids and go home but the evening was so lovely there was no other option. We HAD to get a picnic together, get the wine, get the kids and head to the beach. So there we were. Having a lovely time at the beach.

Middle Child roller skating along the promenade, Toddler Child squealing with delight running along the beach after the gulls, wine cracked open. Ahhhh…. this must be how normal people live. Beautifully behaved children chuckling in the background. The soft scent of sea whipping through the air. A Bottle of wine. Hell! We even had real wine glasses. We dipped into delight of hummus, ate prosciutto ham and olives, the sun ripened tomatoes were divine. 2

Sadly it was time to leave and go our separate ways. I didn’t live far. I got Toddler Child into the buggy. Middle Child had shouted out to me earlier that she was leaving and would be at the neighbouring apartment. The evening had been delightful. I walked home with the sound of the gulls flocking safely to nest for the night and the salty dew settling on my face and then it happened……

I had the irresistible urge to pee!

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

Not a toilet in sight, I stepped up my pace. But you know how it goes, the closer I got to an amenity the more I had to go. I was now doing a brisk walking almost run. Well as fast as one can go whilst trying to clench one’s thighs together. I considered just stopping and sitting in the middle of the walkway but that wasn’t an option either. I would have looked mad. Looking back now, how much crazier could I have looked with my funky stride?

I soldiered on though. As I walked past the giant superstore I considered the logistics of getting in and up the stairs to the bathrooms there but there wasn’t time. The more I thought about how close I was to it was the more I wanted to go. I would pee myself if I tried to get up there.  I broke into a full on run. Toddler Child squealed with delight as her buggy tossed and careened over pot holes and pavements. She thought this was a bloody game!!! This was no laughing matter. How the wheels didn’t fly off the darn thing was beyond me. I’m sure this is the root cause of that annoying squeeling noise coming out of the wheels now!

I managed to make it into my car park but the urge was beyond irresitable now. I can’t make it up the stairs. I quickly calculated the time factor. I could leave Toddler Child strapped in and unattended at the bottom of my endless flights of stairs to the apartment and make a dash for it. I could grab her out and abandon the buggy and dash. Hell, I even looked up and around at the windows. Was anyone looking? I could go right here.

Shishkebabs!!!!! All the windows were open. Everyone else was revelling in the beautiful summers night and were doing the same as I had been till it all went wrong. They were all on balconies or near windows. A few of them even waved at me. I quickly dismissed that idea. I had to do something though. Fast. Then I spotted the car!

I had to sit. NOW. Clenching my legs together and doing some kind of strange hopping on the toes of my right leg only, left leg wrapped around my right knee, I unlocked the car door and sat down. OMG! The relief……. Toddler Child still sitting but now waving her legs frantically and shouting “More! More!” Holy Moses! She still thought this was some kind of game and wanted me to get out and run with her again. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t move. I knew the relief would be short lived and I still had to get upstairs. I just couldn’t figure out how.

The buggy was now edging away from the car with her leg shaking thing and I had to get out and get to the bathroom but I was paralysed. Have you ever felt like you were duct taped to something? Well I was duct taped to that seat. I reached out to grab the buggy and caught the diaper bag instead. And it occurred to me. The solution was simple.  I know, I know! Bad idea but I had no choice.

I looked up to see if any of the revellers in the on looking apartments could see me. I think I was safe. I grabbed a diaper and ripped down my pants. I couldn’t get the darn thing round me fast enough. I didn’t even care who could see now with relief so close. And there I was……. Having a pee in Toddler Child’s diaper.

Note to you ladies out there….. They’re serious when they tell you to do those pelvic floor exercises. I couldn’t control the flow. So fast was the relief the diaper was not as effective as I had hoped….. These things are NOT designed for giant sized and super flow pees. Never mind….. I only have to get up the stairs now. I vow however to make Toddler Child start wearing the larger size despite the fact that you get 6 less in the pack,  I sorted my pants situation out and headed in.

The back of my shorts were soaking wet. I’m sure I smelled but I only had to get upstairs and into the house. CRAP! Middle Child was at the neighbour’s though. I had to get her. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

Nothing for it now though. I rang the bell and tried to stand as far away as possible hoping I looked like I didn’t want to be invited in. Neighbour comes to the door and turns his nose up. I gave him a knowing look and glanced at the toddler. Maybe I could blame this on her surreptitiously. Toddlers smell all the time right? But he wanted to talk. Of all the bloody days to want to get chatty he had to choose today right? That’s called MY luck!

Middle Child appeared and came out as Neighbour kept talking. How was I to leave? I had no choice. I couldn’t turn around….. I had to walk backwards. Away from the doorway and toward mine. That’s normal though right? People do that all the time. I couldn’t let him see the patch at the back of me so I carried on despite his strange looks. Never in my life have I been so happy to see my door, my shower and my washing machine……. I also started a strict regime of pelvic floor exercises that night and just in case….. I buy larger diapers for Toddler Child in case I need to “borrow” one now!


Posted by on May 26, 2011 in May 2011


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My body is a temple…. NOT!!!!

Yeah right. Who am I trying to fool! I think I have finally succumbed to the fact that I must stop trying to fool myself ’cause I’m certainly not fooling anyone else.

I visualise myself as a health and fitness junkie. I have visions of waking up in the morning and going for a five mile run before the rest of the household is even awake. I breeze back in through the front door, hot, sweaty, alive and AWAKE.  I even get into the shower soap the sweat off my glowing toned body. Towel off my firm and perky backside, moisturise my sculpted calves and legs and dress myself in beautiful clothes. My make up is impeccable and my hair flows down my back in beautiful shiny layers. I even manage to eat a hearty and healthy breakfast of freshly blended fruit and vegetable smoothies followed by warm and inviting oatmeal with golden syrup…. because of course calorie counting is no big deal since I exercise so much. I can afford the little treat.

All of this I do before I rouse the angelic children and serve them up delicious breakfasts of soft boiled eggs, crispy grilled bacon and toast. They always wake up with smiles, pleased to see mummy. They rub their eyes and give me warm and inviting cuddles before they turn and cuddle each other. So pleased are they to see each other after 9 hours of sound sleep. They wander to the dining table and eat ravenously. Never forgetting to say thank you and how much they appreciate my efforts. Like little soldiers they march to the kitchen with their dirty dishes and rack up the dishwasher. I don’t even have to ask them to get dressed. They know the drill. They brush teeth and wash faces first because they know they don’t want any dribble on their clothes. They put everything in the dirty laundry basket leaving nothing on the floor and no water round the sink. Toilets are flushed without having to ask or shout. The dress themselves in crisply ironed clothes left out the night before and are waiting by the door well before its time to leave with bags packed, lunch boxes in hand and soft shining hair, faces of little angels I tell  you! Ahhh! Such wonderful little children I’ve raised.

But let’s get real here….. It’s time to burst my bubble. THAT is not my life! And it’s never going to be. I go through phases. I go to fitness shops and buy the get up and trainers. I join the gym. I get all excited. Set my alarm for 6 am and shoot out the door. Look at me! I’m up and out at the crack of dawn. I sprint off down the street in my beautiful fitness clothing smiling at myself, so proud am I running out the house. The milk man, newspaper delivery people, taxi drivers and early morning bus drivers are all out. A few left over revellers from the night before are strolling home. I give them smug looks. Don’t they know what they are doing to themselves? Tut tut tut! They need to look after themselves more. And then I realise…

OMG! I C.A.N.’T. B.R.E.A.T.H.E.

I’m gonna die. Call an ambulance. Quick…. somebody… H.E.L.P! Oh no, the mortification! All these people around me looking! I’m only 100 yards from my house. I can’t turn back. I can’t stop running. They’ll laugh! I struggle to make it around the corner where no one can see me and collapse in a panting heap. It takes me about 30 minutes to catch my breath so I have a cigarette cause I’m sure that’s going to help. Eventually I think I can walk after I stretch out the leg cramp in both by calves and I hobble home.

I get in the door and it’s mayhem. First of all it’s 7 A.M. now. I have to leave by  7:30 to get to work. It took me so long to get breathing again, my 20 minute run turned into an hour of near death experience. The kids have eaten at least or so I have to believe because I haven’t time to do otherwise. There’s rice crispies all over the kitchen counter. And the floor. And the living room floor. Oh good though. It doesn’t look like they’ve used the table so that’s one less thing to clean. The fridge door is wide open so I take that as a sign that they must have put some kind of hydration into their bodies and then I go into full panic mode…….. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! “Hurry up!!!! We’re late, we’re late! Get your clothes on everybody! NOW”

Of course the kids just look at me with that look they save for when they think I’m crazy. I don’t know why I say they save it. They give me that look all the time. Does that mean they think I’m crazy all the time or does that mean they just don’t save the look for those times? Who the hell knows?! I don’t have time to analyse that at that moment. CRAP CRAP CRAP. So as usual, I have a 2 minute shower and leave the house with half dressed children. Hair wet, no make up – but that’s ok, I think I have a 4 year old mascara in my bag, I can put that on at work – and the kids….. well one of them informs me she has forgotten her lunch and needs money to buy some. My handbag…. well that’s back home on the counter where I left it!

So my body? A temple? Certainly not. I gave up even attempting to make a temple out of my body years ago. Now I just dream about winning the lottery and not having to rush out of the house! In the mean time I throw Toddler Child in the back pack so I can get on with the chores without her pulling at my apron strings!

P.S. I think I am supposed to give credit to where pictures came from for copyright reasons and I have no idea how to do that so apologies for offending anyone but the picture is courtesy of Thanks for brightening up my post omtimes!


Posted by on May 25, 2011 in May 2011


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Aaaargh! Darn glitter!

There’s a few things I don’t like having in my house….. besides kids that is…… Glitter is one of them! The stuff gets everywhere and somehow you can never get rid of it. So my kids are deprived of the ability to explore their creative side when it comes to incorporating glitter into their days.

I’m still at home with the invalid. Of course I stayed up way to late last night trying to figure out how to use this whole blogging deal. Was exhausted this morning. Toddler Child woke up a little too early for my liking. I dragged her into bed with me and she was making those fussing noises. You know the ones where you know they’re not actually going to go back to sleep? Well those. She made them… lots of them…. and they were loud. I peeked at her through bleary eyes but it was too late. She made eye contact. That was it…. I had to get up.

Middle Child of course was resting comfortably on the sofa having had a luxurious sleep and I knew she went to bed late. I wasn’t about to wake her up and add another moody mouth to the mix this morning so I quickly threw my clothes on, dressed Toddler and shovelled some food down her throat before I dropped her to day-care. Ahhhhh… Bed. That would have been the sensible thing to do when I got back for an hour or so right?

Well, I never did say I was sensible though did I?! I decided to actually try to have a bath! You remember those things? They were things that happened PC (PRE CHILDREN). If I remember correctly it involves languishing, soaping, bubbles, even candles. Ahhhhh yes! I was going to have a bath. Had a quick peek at Middle Child, she was still sound asleep. I got so excited at the prospect of ME time I nearly pee’d myself! Boy this was gonna be good!

Bath running nicely, bubbles, smelly things, I even put a little table in the bathroom and propped my laptop on it so I could watch the latest episode of Army Wives (sad I know) and I hopped right in there. I’d like to imagine I slipped daintily into a warm infusion of bubbles and essential oils but no. I HOPPED, so excited I was.

I washed my hair, shaved my legs, lounged, added more hot water! Imagine that! I actually had time for it to get cold while I watched TV! Check me out! Ha! Normally it’s a 3.5 minute rush in and out the shower whilst Middle Child is shouting something at me about some last minute thing she needs for school and Toddler Child is banging on the shower door and opening it and shutting it thereby making my whole bathroom floor soaking wet. This was BLISS! I’m totally rocking out today!

I towelled off, changed my clothes. Middle Child awoke so I stopped preparing myself for the day. Selfish time over, I went to see to Madame’s needs. And there I was, suddenly three hours whizzed by and we were late for an appointment. Where does the time go. I rushed around grabbing what we needed and decided at the last minute to run into my bathroom and put some mascara on so I would be just a little less scary…….

And there it was! AAAAAAARGH! GLITTER!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!!! OMG! GLITTTTTTEEEEEER! IN MYYYYYYYY HOUSE!!!!!! Breathe woman breathe! I can handle this. I can I can I can…… But I don’t have time. We have to be out the door in precisely 2 minutes AGO! As in we are already late.  What the hell am I going to do? How can I fix this? I stare in the mirror and decide that perhaps it’s best to pretend I haven’t seen myself yet and put some sunglasses on and leave. I am absolutely covered HEAD TO TOE, mostly all over my FACE with GLITTER!

How you may ask? Well, it was that relaxing bath I had in the children’s bathroom wasn’t it?! Turns out Middle Child has MOISTURISER infused with scents and GLITTER! And she put it all over herself… and then all over the towel that I then dried myself off with. Darn you Hannah Montana Body Glitter Moisturiser. So today, yet again, I stepped out into the world looking like a complete manic moron who has no sense of organisation in her life. Ta for that kids! You’re doing my street cred no favours!

PS. For those of you interested in glitter. I’ve included a picture and a link to buy this stuff! It says…. ” Shimmer Body Lotion – Leaves your skin beautifully soft with a pop star shimmer”! I will warn you though. I DON’T feel like a pop star and people didn’t look at me like I was one. Full body and face glitter when you’re 40 is not a good look!


Posted by on May 24, 2011 in May 2011


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