You may wonder why I make this suggestion… maybe it’s just me but I am sure there must be other people out there who seem to have everything possible go wrong.
Today started great….. Middle Child shares a room with Toddler Monster… yes… she has become a monster. Middle Child has a birthday next week and is starting puberty. I figured she is deserving of her own space and decided that for her birthday I would transform the loft into a lovely bedroom come living space for her so she can have her friends around and prance around naked in front of the mirror all she wants, or whatever it is tweenagers these days like doing.
So there I am…. up in the loft. Toddler Monster merrily running around watching Peppa Pig. I’m painting, cleaning, throwing out loads of junk we’ve had up there for years. I’m feeling great. The hatch is rather large and there’s a fixed ladder attached to get in. The problem though, if you have the ladder down all the time is that it’s right in the middle of the hallway making it rather awkward for those of us downstairs to circumnavigate all the time….. I have an idea of brilliance……
I WILL MOVE THE LADDER ACROSS!
Instead of it being in the middle of the hatch, it will be right across on the side so we can walk past it with ease. Simple job. Undo the screws. Move it across. Screw it back in. Perfect! So I run down the ladder. Thrilled at my brilliance and grab the power drill thing. Toddler Monster has removed all her clothes, emptied all the toy boxes and surely must be wanting some lunch. I’ll just move that ladder and quickly give her lunch and a bath after, then we can go for a nice walk….. Or so I thought.
Have you ever noticed on these retractable ladders that there is a spring? There’s two of them actually. One each side. It helps the ladder SPRING back into the loft when not in use. They are serious industrial size springs. I clearly wasn’t thinking. Maybe that’s my problem…. I clearly am not thinking OFTEN AT ALL!
There’s about 8 screws in all I have to undo. After the second one the springs SPRUNG into REVERSE action. Ripping all the rest of them out. The darn ladder ricocheted up knocking me backwards to the floor. If that wasn’t enough, having recovered from being rendered semi unconcious… I get up whilst rubbing my sore head and what the hell???!!!! Where the £^*& is the ladder?! The bloody thing flew straight out of the hatch and collapsed onto the floor below me. OK OK OK!!! Toddler Monster isn’t under it. I can hear her in another room talking to herself….. one small problem besides the massive lump on my head though……
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE?
Now let me explain something. My ceilings must be about 14 ft high. My loft hatch is huge. The ladder is below it. I keep looking down and I am wondering… how am I going to get out of here without dropping down onto the ladder and breaking my ankles. Should I tell Toddler? No… She’ll just cry. Shoot….. I’ve emptied out so much stuff there’s not even anything up here I can use as a tool to help me. I even tossed the old bed out previously so no protective stuff to throw down to land on either. Holy moses…… I’ll call someone…. That’s it. I’ll call someone. Except for the fact that my mobile AND landline are downstairs. Oh Hell….. I’m screwed. I’m going to be stuck up here forever.
Suddenly I remember that Middle Child’s laptop is up here. I can use Skype. I can call someone on Skype. Or I can email my parents. I manage to get my neighbour on Skype. He was no help. He suggested I order 60 pizzas and use them as stairs to climb down. This dude thought it was some kind of freaking joke! My parenets obviously hadn’t picked up their email. But then… what could they do? The pizza suggestion highlighted to me that no one could get in without breaking the front door down to help me anyways. Did I really need that expense to fix?
I tried… I really did…. several times to get out. Every time I went near the edge and even looked down my heart started racing and my toes started tingling. No I am lying… the tingling went right up my legs. All I could think about was that I was gonna break my ankles dropping down onto that ladder. No Sir-ee. I was staying up there. Sadly I knew Middle Child was due to be out till 8 that night. Could Toddler Monster last that long? She didn’t seem to notice I was even gone yet. Who would know I was missing? There are only 3 sets of keys. Mine (locked inside the house with me), Middle Child who is out and The Boyfriend and he’s at work an hour away. Could I get someone to call him… why yes… now there’s a novel idea….. but no…. ’cause I don’t know his number do I? It’s programmed into my phone. Oh hell…. having chatted with a few more friends on Skype, I build up the courage to jump. I warn them though… if they haven’t heard from me within 15 minutes they are to call the paramedics cause surely my ankles are broken. Gosh… I wish I had some rope!
How did I get out in the end? I tried to call Toddler Child to bring pillows for me…. she just looked up, nodded her head and tried to lift the ladder. She quickly gave up and ran into the kitchen with nothing else to say. There was nothing for it, I broke the curtain pole off and had to use it as a bar to hang from. Even that was still scary but I managed to do it. What did all this highlight to me besides the fact that rope needs to be kept in the loft? Well….. I must be getting old cause I seem to have developed a sense of mortality and lost my sense of fearlessness.
HELLO MIDDLE AGES!
Meanwhile, when I finally get down… what do I find? Toddler Child has decided she must have to fend for herself and has climbed onto bar stool in kitchen and is drawing merrily and feeding herself potato chips! Who the hell needs me anyway?