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Free Diving in the bathtub is impossible!


But I suppose you knew that already.

I’d had the most hideous night’s sleep. I lie. I’ve had hideous nights for the last two weeks. With Middle Child in my bed unable to get up into her bunk, my experience of night time has gone along these lines….. “Mum….. I can’t get to sleep”, “Mum, my knee hurts”, “Mum, what do you think we’re going to do tomorrow?”

I’m surprised at 3 in the morning she even thinks she’ll live long enough to do something tomorrow. I feel sorry for the kid, I really do. She’s in genuine pain….. but feeling sorry for someone and showing compassion takes energy. After 2 weeks of the best quality sleep being me lying there with arms slapped over my face and MY blanket being ripped off me, I am seriously lacking energy, compassion and kind thoughts of any semblance whatsoever.

There’s so much stuff that requires energy that you take for granted till you have none…. like stringing sentences together, remembering simple things, seeing straight and being able to throw a mental plan together quickly…. or at all for that matter. I realised that this morning as I roused at 5 to go see what Toddler Child wanted. Dragging her back to bed and hoping for at least another two hours rest, I lay down and shut my eyes again….. all was quiet.

And then it was NOT! What the hell were they laughing at? And why was it so loud? And why did I have to be involved? Why do I have to look at everything???? Can’t they look at themselves in the mirrors? I invested in floor to ceiling mirrors a long time ago. I never get a chance to catch a glimpse of myself in them but aren’t kids supposed to magic up imaginary friends or something? Why can’t those kids in the mirror be their friends? Can they not speak to them? Softly? For heavens sake…. at 5 a.m., does it have to be me they talk to? I must remind them about their little friends in the mirror in future…..

I resigned to the fact that it was getting up time by 6:30. Gosh my head hurt. My body ached. I’m not sure  I could even see straight as I tried to scramble some eggs. Never in my life has egg scrambling seemed so difficult. I was doing ok though. There was bacon under the grill. Oh…… but there was a crap load of smoke too! Crikey! It was coming out from everywhere! Jeeeeze Beleeeeeeize! The last thing I needed now was to be setting off the smoke alarm! That automatically sets of the fire alarms for the whole block of apartments. I couldn’t imagine my neighbours being very happy about being awoken and evacuated into the car park at 6:30 in the morning….. No sireee.

I flung the windows open and stood there trying to flap the smoke out of the building rather ineffectively with the closest thing I could find and trust me…. a dripping wet J Cloth doesn’t cut the grain for this task! Sugar Crumbs! Where was the source of this problem?! I’d taken the bacon out. Why the hell is it smoking up still? I peer into the grill and notice that somehow – only me!- two rashers of bacon are stuck to the grill itself. How the hell did they get up there???

Christ that’s hot! Never touch a hot grill with bare fingers either! Or with plastic tongs! They managed to rip the burning, fiery bacon off the grill but not before the bloody tongs caught fire and melted into the base of the grill unit too! Holy Crapolas! More freaking mess to clean.

With kids fed and tummies full I headed for my shower and made a quick U turn as I got in there. Of course I couldn’t shower cause I forgot the drain is blocked. Meant to do that last night! But you know what Momma always said “Don’t put off today what you can do tomorrow!” I filled that plug hole with drain un-blocker there and then. Take that in your plug hole! Off for a bath then.

OMG! What the hell is that smell? Jesus! Don’t tell me someone didn’t flush the toilet again? Where on earth is that coming from? It smells like some kind of sewerage plant in here? I can’t understand! The toilet is clean. Sparkling in fact! I pop my head into the hallway. Is it those rats again? What is that? I can’t even think. This is too much for before 7 in the morning. I fill the bath and pretend none of this stuff happened yet. My head is far too fluffy for this.

Lounging away in my bath, the kids are actually leaving me alone. It’s all warm, and full right up, all deep and enveloping. I reach for my razor and it falls off the side and into the top of the swing bin. I reach for it blindly and OMG! There’s that smell again! I take a quick look – what on earth happened. I don’t even want to know why there is a giant turd in the bin. I provide toilets for that. I can’t take any more. It’s too early. I close my eyes and shut my brain off.

My mind wanders to a life I had before. A life where I plunged into the high seas with my spear gun. Where I would free dive into the depths and feel at one with the seas. I can hold my breath for a pretty long time so I take a deep inhalation and turn over, close my eyes and let my mind drift.  There’s something amazing about free diving. About being underwater. All you can hear are the sounds of the underwater world. Your own exhalation of breath. The fish and marine life come right up to you trying to figure out what on earth you are and why you’re there. So close you can reach out and touch them…… or bust a cap in their A$%.

I’m floating around in my own world in the depths of the ocean. Now there’s an incantation for being able to hold one’s breath for a long time. Basically you relax so much that your heart slows right down. If you do it well, you heart feeds blood only to the brain, the rest of your body just shuts down for a while. This was MY kind of meditation. All that Yoga malarkey doesn’t work for me…. me, I need to be at the bottom of the sea. And there I was, swimming with the dolphins, watching whale shark float by effortlessly. Colourful fish swam in schools being chased by shoals of tuna. I could hear the sounds of the dolphin calling out to each other. Echo something or the other I think they call it. It’s a high-pitched noise. It was getting louder though. Much louder. I looked round in my mind’s eye. Where on earth were they coming from? And why did they sound like words?

“MUUUUUUUUUUM! MUUUUUUUUUUM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Oh God! They were words! The gremlins found me! If I lie here under the water long enough maybe they won’t see me beneath the bubbles. Maybe they’ll go look somewhere else.

Crap no! The dolphins were leaving! The fish were scattering! There was light shining bright into my eyes,, the surface was getting nearer!!! No no! I don’t want to go up yet! Why am I going up? I struggled to remain in the depths but I felt like I was being sucked to the surface. My head broke free of the water and I took a breath and opened my eyes. Toddler child squealed with delight, a clump of my hair entangled in her chubby hands and she was pulling pretty darn hard for such a small creature I tell you!

“Mum? What time is my appointment today?”

WTF? WTF? WTF? THAT’S what they wanted me for? Jesus! So note to self….. When planning to free dive in the bath tub make sure and execute following tasks first!

1. Give children all information they could possibly need before retreating into crazy world of bathtub  free diving.

2. Try to always do it while they are still asleep or out the house.

3. If desperate, insert ear plugs and lock the door.

4. Don’t put a bin in the children’s bathroom!

5. Make sure your shower drain is always unblocked in the event of Rule 4 failure.

See you next week Fishy Friends!

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9 Comments

Posted by on May 27, 2011 in May 2011

 

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Aaaargh! Darn glitter!


There’s a few things I don’t like having in my house….. besides kids that is…… Glitter is one of them! The stuff gets everywhere and somehow you can never get rid of it. So my kids are deprived of the ability to explore their creative side when it comes to incorporating glitter into their days.

I’m still at home with the invalid. Of course I stayed up way to late last night trying to figure out how to use this whole blogging deal. Was exhausted this morning. Toddler Child woke up a little too early for my liking. I dragged her into bed with me and she was making those fussing noises. You know the ones where you know they’re not actually going to go back to sleep? Well those. She made them… lots of them…. and they were loud. I peeked at her through bleary eyes but it was too late. She made eye contact. That was it…. I had to get up.

Middle Child of course was resting comfortably on the sofa having had a luxurious sleep and I knew she went to bed late. I wasn’t about to wake her up and add another moody mouth to the mix this morning so I quickly threw my clothes on, dressed Toddler and shovelled some food down her throat before I dropped her to day-care. Ahhhhh… Bed. That would have been the sensible thing to do when I got back for an hour or so right?

Well, I never did say I was sensible though did I?! I decided to actually try to have a bath! You remember those things? They were things that happened PC (PRE CHILDREN). If I remember correctly it involves languishing, soaping, bubbles, even candles. Ahhhhh yes! I was going to have a bath. Had a quick peek at Middle Child, she was still sound asleep. I got so excited at the prospect of ME time I nearly pee’d myself! Boy this was gonna be good!

Bath running nicely, bubbles, smelly things, I even put a little table in the bathroom and propped my laptop on it so I could watch the latest episode of Army Wives (sad I know) and I hopped right in there. I’d like to imagine I slipped daintily into a warm infusion of bubbles and essential oils but no. I HOPPED, so excited I was.

I washed my hair, shaved my legs, lounged, added more hot water! Imagine that! I actually had time for it to get cold while I watched TV! Check me out! Ha! Normally it’s a 3.5 minute rush in and out the shower whilst Middle Child is shouting something at me about some last minute thing she needs for school and Toddler Child is banging on the shower door and opening it and shutting it thereby making my whole bathroom floor soaking wet. This was BLISS! I’m totally rocking out today!

I towelled off, changed my clothes. Middle Child awoke so I stopped preparing myself for the day. Selfish time over, I went to see to Madame’s needs. And there I was, suddenly three hours whizzed by and we were late for an appointment. Where does the time go. I rushed around grabbing what we needed and decided at the last minute to run into my bathroom and put some mascara on so I would be just a little less scary…….

And there it was! AAAAAAARGH! GLITTER!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!!! OMG! GLITTTTTTEEEEEER! IN MYYYYYYYY HOUSE!!!!!! Breathe woman breathe! I can handle this. I can I can I can…… But I don’t have time. We have to be out the door in precisely 2 minutes AGO! As in we are already late.  What the hell am I going to do? How can I fix this? I stare in the mirror and decide that perhaps it’s best to pretend I haven’t seen myself yet and put some sunglasses on and leave. I am absolutely covered HEAD TO TOE, mostly all over my FACE with GLITTER!

How you may ask? Well, it was that relaxing bath I had in the children’s bathroom wasn’t it?! Turns out Middle Child has MOISTURISER infused with scents and GLITTER! And she put it all over herself… and then all over the towel that I then dried myself off with. Darn you Hannah Montana Body Glitter Moisturiser. So today, yet again, I stepped out into the world looking like a complete manic moron who has no sense of organisation in her life. Ta for that kids! You’re doing my street cred no favours!

PS. For those of you interested in glitter. I’ve included a picture and a link to buy this stuff! It says…. ” Shimmer Body Lotion – Leaves your skin beautifully soft with a pop star shimmer”! I will warn you though. I DON’T feel like a pop star and people didn’t look at me like I was one. Full body and face glitter when you’re 40 is not a good look!

 
7 Comments

Posted by on May 24, 2011 in May 2011

 

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