In My Life!!!!!

Sometimes there are things that I just don’t understand….. like where these children keep appearing from for instance….. However, they are here and they call me “Mom” so I guess I have to feed them or something.

IN MY LIFE IN MY LIFE IN LIFE

Today however, Toddler Child was dancing around in the kitchen in hardly any clothes….. this is normal. Nudity is her preffered option so the fact that she was wearing something…. Well that was good for me. She likes accessorising and she’s pretty funky and it sems to come naturally to her. Todays accessories of choice were a colourful scarf that Middle Child left on the floor in the hallway and a hat. Not any old hat…. Nooooo! My girl has some serious style. She must have watched too many episodes of Project Runway or something. This hat my friends was in fat the silicone mould for a giant cup cake. A bright red one.

Added to this… Toddler Child can groove! She sure loves dancing and she was dancing up a storm in the kitchen with her accessories and jumping around and OMG! She was shouting and spinning and shouting louder….

“In My Life! In My Life! In My Life!”

I was washing the dishes and chuckling to myself. The stuff these kids come out with. It’s so funny! Where on earth would she learn a phrase like that? In my life? I couldn’t figure it out. “Into Bed!?” “Over my dead body!?” “Are you nuts?!” Those were all phrases I thought she would have heard from me perhaps. But this one? I couldn’t think where.

All of the sudden I realised it was that time of day. School run time! OMG! And of course as usual, Toddler Child is naked, Middle Chid will go mad, we’ll be late again and she’s bringing friends home. I threw a coat on the kid and a pair of trousers and made a dash for the car. I knew I could get there on time if Toddler would just get in the car seat without a fight today.

Phew…. All was going well…..till I encountered the WHALE! Yes.,…. You heard me!!! The whale!!! In the middle of the street. Middle Child was never going to believe this bloody excuse. I took a shortcut up a one way street. Only room for one line of cars. Two cars ahead of me a taxi stopped. Flipping great! They’re gonna have to pay their fare and everything. This is gong to set me back two minutes and I will hear about it from Middle for ten! This was no good! Holy Crapolas. If only it was the fare and the fare alone though!!!!!!!!!!!! What was taking this person so long to get out. I looked through the windscreens of the car ahead of me so I could see what was happening. In retrospect I should have videoed this because you are NEVER going to believe what I am about to tell you.

The cab driver seems to be getting out. FRICK! This person must have luggage or something…. No, no, no… he’s going past the back of the car onto the other passenger side….. Oh! He’s one of those wannabe limo drivers, he’s going to open the door for his passenger!….. But the door’s open now…. What’s he doing? His arms are reaching in…. he seems to be pulling…. No….. it looks like he’s getting pulled in. Why the hell is the windscreen of the car in front of me so dirty. I can’t quite make out what is going on. The people in the car in front seem to be almost getting out of their car though.

Holy Sleeping Moses…… I understand now….. He’s trying to PULL the passenger out. A man comes out of the receiving house and helps. There’s two of them pulling now and almost this cartoon like effect of a giant balloon coming out of the car door as they manage to exhume an incredibly morbidly obese woman out of the car. This is not just an overweight lady but I’m telling you. It’s like the kind of overweight you see on documentaries. Now I feel really bad for being impatient. She must have health issues and I am complaining about being stuck here for ten minutes.

I’m now like fifteen minutes late when they manage to get her on her feet but just grateful that I can get on with my journey when…. OOOOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The taxi driver is helping her shuffle to the sidewalk and she literally keels over, knocks him flat and is lying on him.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLOODY ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s it! I’m dead now! I’m never gonna move from here! I start shouting at myself and hear myself say…

“Oh God! Only IN MY LIFE”

And it hits me…… that’s what Toddler Child was dancing and singing about! “IN MY LIFE! IN MY LIFE!” And to wrap up the story; yes, Middle Child was pissed but when I told them what happened and the rest of the story they almost wet themselves laughing. It turns out that the lady was not just hideously overweight but had been on a drinking binge and was so drunk she couldn’t stand. We all had to get out of our cars and save the cab driver. She was pretty heavy to roll. There were six of us and I tell you, I sure broke into a sweat. We just about managed to roll her over onto the pavement so we could clear the road and get moving. But here you have it??? In my life???!!! I mean…. Who can say they spent the afternoon rolling a fat lady out of the road and that was their excuse for being half an hour late for a pick up???

And I even taught the kids a lesson today…. They are allowed to either be overweight OR get drunk….. never both!

 

Dear Marlboro… I’m suing your a$$!!!

Dear Marlboro,

Just thought I would give you a little heads up about the civil CLASS ACTION suit I am planning on bringing against you. Not only did you falsely advertise yourself but you have now turned me into an alcoholic!

Firstly….. you creep into my life completely unwantedly and falsely advertise in front of me on television and on billboards that I will be this completely sexy womanly person if I smoked your cigarettes. And you have to admit Mr Marlboro Man…. it was false!! What the hell is sexy about a woman who stinks of old nicotine. That smell gets everywhere, in your hair, your clothes, it comes through your darned pores! Not to mention the disgusting smoker breath and I can’t even begin to imagine how kissing an ashtray is meant to be sexy. It’s not like it even tastes good either!

Now if your false advertising wasn’t bad enough and having lured me into stinking worse than the inside of chimney breast…. you never really did warn me effectively about the addictive properties of smoking before you shoved your product between my lips. And we’re not even going to mention the late addition of all the health risks of which I would really like to add a couple!!!

So next thing now… I have your cancer sticks in my mouth on a regular basis when finally you decide to come clean and tell me that it could kill me with your ostentatious labels… well thanks… it’s a bit late for that now isn’t it???!!! Cause now I can’t seem to just put these things down! I’ve had to battle with my will, use all sorts of crutches like patches, microtabs, inhalers, e-cigs and hypnotherapy only to find that you just keep shoving your way back into my life until you nearly kill me and I couldn’t pick you up even if I tried.

What you didn’t tell me though… was that one day you were going to give me a cough so darned bad that I would end up BREAKING MY FLIPPING RIBS and SPRAINING MY RIB CAGE through coughing…… I mean to say…. a SPRAINED RIB CAGE?! I didn’t even know that injury existed! So thanks a whole flipping lot. I need you to add to your health warning this,,,,

“Smoking causes disgusting hacking cough which may cause your ribs to break”

You sure conveniently left that one out didn’t you…. and might I add, that there is NO painkiller under the sun that eradicates this pain and allows you to function like a normal human….. a HIGH human yes… but normal no…. I’ve been told I won’t be right for about 6 months. Here’s the great part…. I still have an infection in my lungs thanks to you and the only way I can get it out is by coughing….. Except for the fact that every time I so much as breathe too deeply I feel like someone has kicked me in the ribs with a steel toe boot!!!!

So not only have you knocked years off of my life span, you have now also robbed me of 6 months of my living years, added to which…. I am now at risk of becoming addicted to either painkillers or alcohol thanks to you. I did notice on New Years Eve that I mysteriously had no pain and danced the night away after a bottle or so of wine and am now completely aware of how my hand automatically reaches for that wine glass night after night when that pain strikes me as I try to perform even the most mundane of tasks such as simply washing my dishes.

I firmly beleive it to be your fault as well that the best years of my life were lost along with the opportunity of a wonderful relationship and famuly life cause I carried your stench everywhere I went but you’ve really done it…. bringing these other addictions to my door…… You’re the worst thing that every happened to me you lying, cheating bastard! I’ll see you in court!

*hiccup*